It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
