have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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