im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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