i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
