tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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