dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
