this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize