Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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