After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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