You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
