you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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