I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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