There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
