Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
50% drunk capacity currently
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
