Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
