And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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