Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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