Swine flu. Run for my life!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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