I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
