First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize