sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
