Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
