please come you make the beer taste better
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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