At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
