He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize