Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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