I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
