I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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