I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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