I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Damn victory sex feels great
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
