my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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