Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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