You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There r osticjed everywhere
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
