I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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