i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
