the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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