Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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