I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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