im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
