Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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