I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
