pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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