I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
