I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
