Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
