She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
