I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
