i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
