Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
