she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
