to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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