He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I did not marry a roomba.
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