my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
