have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
