im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
