so explain again why im purple
no
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
