I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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