Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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